Please excuse the inferior language that will be used in this news update, but all NHRT writers are currently entrenched in a state of awe. Pat and Robbie performed their Senior Exhibition yesterday, and to call it a success would be such an understatement, it could be construed as an insult. Pat and Robbieís presentation was the greatest Senior Exhibition of all time. Hereís how it all went down.
After giving speeches crammed with unparalleled insight, Pat and Robbie attempted to show their video for the finale of their Senior Exhibition. Unfortunately, NHRTís archenemy, the administration, infiltrated the video room and sabotaged the worldwide premiere. Donít worry, G.H.E.T.T.O. Club didnít fold.
Flyers were posted on every building and bulletin board around campus today, announcing the rescheduled premiere of the NHRT video. Two showings (12:10 and 1:00), rather than one, were planned this time. We arrived at the conference room adjacent to the Spencer Gym at 12:05 for the first showing, and there were already 25 people lined up to get in! Due to the incredible response, Pat and Robbie decided to show the video at 12:05 and again at 12:15, so that everybody who was in attendance for the 12:10 show could experience the magic.
The 12:05 showing was administered flawlessly. Laughter was omnipresent, and each attendee was satisfied that he had gotten his moneyís worth ($0.00). However, tragedy struck during the 12:15 matinee. An administrator crashed the party at about 12:18, thereby eliminating all laughter that had pervaded the room. Although he hadnít purchased a ticket, he sat through the entire viewing. Whatís worse, he asked for the video after the room had cleared out.
Pat and Robbie, displaying their G.H.E.T.T.O. Club pride, marched in to his office at 12:55 to reclaim the video for the 1:00 showing. At this point, it was made clear that the video was now banned from the St. Mark's campus, but Pat and Robbie managed to retrieve the precious tape before the administrator was able to destroy it. In order to retaliate, NHRT has decided to start showing the video (off-campus) at each available opportunity.
So, you ask, what lesson did we learn from this experience? I have to admit, the wise and learned members of G.H.E.T.T.O. Club did gain a very valuable lesson as a result of this controversy: we now know for a fact that NHRT is the greatest organization in the history of the world.
Sorry we haven't updated the site in awhile, but we've been brizin' in the basement and forgot we had this site. A glance at the calendar reminded us we had a senior exhibition to give. Anyway, on the Gatorade front ... Here are the updates from the last eight months.
1. Robbie Baty was promoted from Vice President of Important Events and Other Such Things to Vice President of Important Events and Other Such Things/Brizer Extraordinaire after his brilliant column in The ReMarker last May prompted Gatorade to not only reintroduce Lemon Ice to the public, but also to do some brizin' of its own. Gatorade introduced a slew of new Ice flavors late last year that can now be found in 7-11's around the globe. Lime Ice, Orange Ice, Strawberry Ice, and Lemon Ice are a quartet of thirst quenchers not to be overlooked.
2. Cascade Crash, although not an Ice flavor, will freeze you in your tracks. The smooth yet tangy explosion of flavor that Cascade Crash detonates in your mouth could be considered manslaughter in 17 states. This new flavor will definitely be participating in the rookie all-star game.
3. Doc Browning, St. Mark's' Athletic Trainer, attempted to hybridize a new drink for the football team this year, but he found himself overwhelmed by the dedication that is necessary to 'brize successfully. Browning's noble experiment of mixing one part Lemon-Lime with one part water (the faucet kind, not a Gatorade flavor) fizzled after about two days. Was the hybrid unsuccessful? Absolutely not. But the tolls exacted upon such a novice hybridizer were simply too much to handle.
Ben has prevailed and allowed all NHRT fanatics to emerge unscathed. His previously unnamed hybrid will be known from this day forward as Summer Splurge. By the way, don't expect the site to be updated quite as often now that school is out. In fact, I wouldn't count on much of anything if I were you - recently I have been spending all my time out by the pool chilling with the ladies while sippin' on a 'rade. Oh yes, NHRT executives are very suave.
Ben Mercer, President of NHRT International, Inc., is in danger of being demoted. This is terrible news to us all. But, he has left a hybrid unnamed! He is tarnishing the pristine reputation of G.H.E.T.T.O. Club. Ben, please, for NHRT's sake, name your hybrid!
After a long, drawn-out battle with the administration, Pat and Robbie have emerged victorious. Their senior exhibition will be given on NHRT International, Inc., and it will even be presented to the Upper School, despite the school's requests for it to be presented to the Middle School. Middle School? That's right. What good would that do? The only reason we're doing the exhibition is to recruit new members! G.H.E.T.T.O. Club is an unstoppable force, incapable of bowing down to authority.
Co-Founder/Chairman/CEO/Webmaster Pat Love and Vice President of Important Events and Other Such Things Robbie Baty have submitted their Senior Exhibition proposal forms to Lord High Protector Perryman. Perryman was identified as one of a select few from the St. Mark's faculty that have the potential to be a technical advisor for such a great senior exhibition. A great senior exhibition you say? Don't all senior exhibitions suck? Not anymore. This trend-setter will be about NHRT International, Inc. Oh yeah, you won't want to miss it. There will be hybridization, BY PAT AND ROBBIE, for the entire audience! We will post the date of the exhibition as soon as we learn it so that you can mark it on your calendar.
Check the Hybrids section! An All-SPC hybrid was made that helped the St. Mark's Varsity Baseball Team win the SPC Championship! I ask you, is there anything hybridized Gatorade can't do?
We told you Ryan was packed with potential! After only five days of membership, Ryan has most definitely found his niche in G.H.E.T.T.O. Club! Named today as the Secretary of Das Boot for NHRT, Ryan proceeded to make his mark by delivering a notice of termination to disturbingly inactive member Taylor Jenkins. Whether or not Das Boot actually refers to giving someone the boot, NHRT will probably never know because we have no desire to go and find out. It just sounds cool and it's the name of a movie or something. But hey, one thing's for sure, anytime anyone gets expelled from NHRT, he will receive his bad news from someone younger than him. That's gotta sting. (Just ask Taylor.) Keep watch as Ryan continues to move up the totem pole in NHRT, trampling those in his way. There is a prodigy among us, now if only he could learn to pronounce the name of his first hybrid ...
I am very proud to disclose that NHRT is very, very close to reconfiguring the delicious taste of the since discontinued favorite, Whitewater Splash. The synthesized Whitewater Splash will be a relatively simple hybrid. Though I can proudly tell you these things, just how it is being made will need to remain under wraps until a proper, and agreed upon, flavor balance is struck within the confines of NHRT and the taste buds of its members.
I would also like to assure you that work on Low Tide continues. Low Tide, however, much like Whitewater Splash, will require the utmost care in adjustments of flavor apportionment, no matter how small. At NHRT, we simply do not disappoint, and hybrid success often, and unfortunately so, takes longer than we would like.
There is yet more excitement in the recent announcement of the ODR system. Since all individual flavors of Gatorade are made to perform at nearly all temperatures, NHRT decided it would be admirable to experiment with the optimal temperature a Gatorade hybrid should be imbibed at. Check the hybrid section for more details as the ODR line is revealed, one by glorious one. In fact, a new hybrid with an ODR has already been added.
Finally, I am saddened to hear about the best site on the web coming under fire. As Co-Founder/Chairman/CEO/Webmaster Patrick Love, with the council of fellow NHRT members, continues to handle this situation gracefully, let's remember all that matters is the Gatorade. Let's keep our focus on the hybrid.
NHRT welcomes its first member from SM class of '04. Beating out Conner Ryan and Darius Safavi for the highly-desired 13th membership position in NHRT, Ryan Sablotny has been inducted into G.H.E.T.T.O. Club. He thinks he's tight. More details soon to come on how Ryan blazed the trail for prospective younger members.
In our never-ending effort to expand NHRT International, Inc., we have been brainstorming lately for ways to improve the organization. Please e-mail us any comments you may have regarding these possibilities.
Prospects for NHRT:
- Ryan Sablotny
- Conner Ryan
- Darius Safavi
- Chase Park would like to be named AZN (Asian) Ambassador, but first he needs to locate a distributor that will import us some foreign Gatorade flavors such as Mangosteen, Lemonade, etc. that are only sold in other countries. If Chase accomplishes this, he will most likely be named AZN Ambassador.
- Vice President of Important Events and Other Such Things Robbie Baty might be promoted after his admirable act of courage and honor during the Cum Laude ceremony yesterday.
- President Ben Mercer has pondered the idea of giving an ODR, or Optimal Degree Rating, to every hybrid. The ODR would identify the temperature at which each hybrid should be served for maximum thirst quenchage.
In addition to trying to improve NHRT, we consistently avoid acting in ways that would cause the organization to suffer. As a result, NHRT strives to maintain the highest level of selectivity for membership. Here are the five most recent rejected applicants:
- Jason Nancarrow
- Tres Evans
- Arif Mahmood
- Peter Goodman
- Peter Goodman (Not a misprint.)
BREAKING NEWS! NHRT IS UNDER INVESTIGATION BY CERTAIN ST. MARK'S TEACHERS!
I was on Mr. Weadon's list today and I could not think of any reason why I should be. So I march on in totally unprepared to debate the severity of my crime, and I am simply told that I missed my name on the bulletin yesterday. Utilizing my keen memory, I respond that this is not true. He locates a bulletin from the day before, and I proceed to leave his office after I notice him mutter "oops." But, he says, "Pat, sit down. We're not through." Okay ... He then goes on to tell me that he'd like to talk to me about my site. He says that some teachers have complained that I keep the ingredients for the hybrids hidden in the password-protected page. He gives me the "you and I both know what that means" spiel, and I respond that that is stupid. Anyway, he asks that I show him the Members Only page, even though HE'S NOT A MEMBER. I show him, he sees that the teachers who turned me in are totally wrong, and he tells me he'll clear things up with the appropriate teachers. What I don't understand is why some faculty members turned me in for hiding the "recipes" in the Members Only section when I have a freaking Hybrids button on the menu! And, plus, even if there were alcoholic hybrids on the Members Only section, that would be my business because this is not a school-funded site. Just because the site can be viewed from computers on the school campus doesn't make it any different from a house on the street. It's my property. And making me show the Members Only page to Mr. Weadon by turning me in on suspicions that were totally unmerited is like asking me to let you in my house because you suspect there's alcohol in my room. That is not your right, and I have lost a lot of respect for St. Mark's today after having my privacy invaded. Don't mess with NHRT.
Note: The preceding was a censored news clip. Pat vented his anger on the day of this incident by posting a more vituperative summary. Wow, vituperative definitely qualifies as some sophisticated vernacular.
Even the experts encounter disappointment every once in awhile. This theory proved to be painstakingly true today. Attempting to celebrate the (unofficial) first birthday of Rainy Day, still one of the greatest hybrids ever made, hybrideers on the St. Mark's varsity baseball team came prepared to hybridize as the SM team faced Fort Worth Nolan in a doubleheader. Hybridization took place. It failed. One part Fierce Lime with one part Fruit Punch proved to be too sweet to savor, one part Orange with one part Fierce Lime turned out ... I never thought I'd say it but, worse than Powerade! And what about one part each of Fierce Lime, Kiwi-Strawberry, Fruit Punch and Orange? Well, let's just say that even though St. Mark's won one of the two games against FW Nolan, who was ranked number two in the metroplex, the day can be considered a complete failure.
Unbelievably, NHRT has expanded its horizons once again. Our new official title is NHRT International, Inc. Why the sudden change? Well, we have begun receiving e-mails - but not just American e-mails - Canadian e-mails too! I guess even the Canucks can appreciate the superiority of Gatorade! Keep the mail coming.
Sorry for the lack of updates recently, but I was busy visiting the most prestigious colleges and universities in the world over spring break to get a clearer picture of where I want continue my hybrid education after St. Mark's. Although I have not reached a decision yet, Northwestern is the favorite for now due to the plethora of Gatorade vending machines I discovered on campus. Easy access at anytime, anywhere. But read on - President Ben Mercer has a few words:
We have exclusive news on a pending mix: LOW TIDE. Though it is not safe to disclose all of the details at this time, we can tell you that many of the proudest and most diligent folks in the inner circles of NHRT are working day and night to find the right flavor balance. If completed, LOW TIDE will not only become a staple hybrid, but it will revolutionize the entire hybridization process. Guaranteed."
In a stroke of pure genius, head coach of the St. Mark's varsity baseball team Tom Adams benched Robbie so that he could pursue his true passion of hybridization of Gatorade flavors. Pat was already on the bench, overseeing the "scrub club." Realize now that this means Pat and Robbie had an opportunity to hybridize together. Uh-oh. A whole new dimension of the potential of hybrids was uncovered. MEDICINE. Can you believe it? By next year we hope to have a cure for AIDS. Check the hybrids section to see a new hybrid that will manhandle any sore throat like the U.S. manhandled those Viet Congs in the Vietnam war. Well, better than that actually.
Viet Cong guy getting schooled by U.S. troops:
Freddie Chang has expressed interest in joining G.H.E.T.T.O. Club, possibly to replace Ronnie as a technical advisor ... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, Boom-Boom, just go drive in your M3 or something. Oh wait, I guess you can't do that either.
Orange Hemorrhage was created today despite an attendance of only four members at the meeting. The word on the streets is that there was confusion over the meeting's time and place - but hey, that happens when you are as underground as NHRT is. We will try to find a remedy for this problem as soon as possible so that it does not not hinder any more meetings in the future. Here's something to remember for those late-night games of NHRT trivia: Orange Hemorrhage was initially titled Fluffy Little Squirrel Orange, but, here at G.H.E.T.T.O. Club, we take ourselves way too seriously to stick with a name like that. Anyway, it's a great drink - I suggest you go mix one now.
Vice President of Important Events and Other Such Things Robbie Baty has revealed that he is under the weather, thus posing a threat to our monopoly on the Gatorade hybridization process. But we WILL perservere. Tomorrow's meeting will occur with or without Robbie's presence, and we will mix our brains dry. Additionally, if Robbie does not make the meeting, there will be no "break-out chant" like there was at the first meeting since our team will be incomplete. Wait, actually we're never going to have a "break-out chant" with or without Robbie ever again because it was such an inexplicably stupid thing to do.
Update! In the recruitment of two hot prospects to G.H.E.T.T.O. Club, the results have been bittersweet. Collen Meyer tested negative on his drug test and as a result we have not been able to admit him. Usually you want to test negative on drug tests, but, if you want to join NHRT, you want to flunk this one like a mofo. The test scans for Gatorade in your body. Collen's test results were very disheartening. On a more positive note, however, Adam Wright made a major splash today when he not only became a member of G.H.E.T.T.O. Club but he also contributed to the creation of a new hybrid. Talk about a legendary debut! We have high expectations for you, Adam. Check the "Hybrids" section for more details.
Faculty Sponsor Steve "Hollywood" Walker put his official stamp of approval on the website today. This was a landmark event for us. As a result of "Hollywood" christening the site, we are now open for business. Wait - we don't sell anything ... Okay, so we're not a business, but we are the G.H.E.T.T.O. Club biatch!
We have some terrible news for you. Technical Advisor Ronnie Keiser has been expelled from NHRT for undisclosed reasons. We here at NHRT share your grief. Wait, no we don't - that's why we kicked him out.
PRESIDENT BEN MERCER would like to say a few words (not about Ronnie - screw him!):
My name is Ben. Is it wrong that I lack a favorite Gatorade flavor? I ask you, is it? Fierce or Frost, Sweet or Tangy, they all speak the language of great beverage to my oft-thirsty self. I have come to think, myself, that it is not wrong to possess the opinion that one single sip of any shape, size, color, or flavor of Gatorade is no better than the next. Therefore, if you are a true "'rade" lover, you will have undoubtedly discovered mixing by now (that's why you're here!). Mixing is essential. It must be done. Go henceforth and experiment. Try it.
Yesterday's meeting was a huge success. In attendance: Pat, Ben, Chase, Taylor, Ben H. and Robbie. A vat of Glacier Freeze was shared for the official inaugural tasting. Additionally, two people have been singled out as highly sought-after recruits for NHRT: Collen Meyer and Adam Wright. We'll keep you posted.
This just in! Robbie Baty took a piss in the parking lot today after baseball photos were taken. He must have been drinking a lot of Gatorade recently. Way to go, Robie! That's right - Robie.
We would like to hereby announce that club member Brandon Schubert was the only sophomore cut from junior varsity baseball. This can only mean one thing. We all know that Brandon spent all his time during tryouts making hybrids and this infuriated his small-minded coach. Renegades are alive and well in NHRT, and Brandon is a living example.
The official member list as of 02/22/01 is:
Pat Love - Chairman
Ben Mercer - President
Steve "Hollywood" Walker - Faculty Sponsor
Robbie Baty - Vice President of Important Events and Other Such Things
Ronnie Keiser - Technical Advisor [EXPELLED FROM NHRT! See News for 03/01/01 ... ]
Dale Earnhardt died. We feel sorry for his family because, he, like us, drank a lot of Gatorade. Or at least I hope he did if we're dedicating space on the page to him.