BREAKING NEWS! NHRT IS UNDER INVESTIGATION BY CERTAIN ST. MARK'S TEACHERS WITH BELOW-AVERAGE INTELLIGENCE!
St. Mark's, the birthplace of G.H.E.T.T.O. Club, enrolls only the brightest students. After all, the Members Only section has been infiltrated by savvy internet users such as Nader. However, NHRT has discovered that St. Mark's does not maintain the same level of selectivity when hiring faculty. Here is the incident that led to this conclusion:
I was on Mr. Weadon's list today and I could not think of any reason why I should be. So I march on in totally unprepared to debate the severity of my crime, and I am simply told that I missed my name on the bulletin yesterday. Utilizing my keen memory, I respond that this is not true. He locates a bulletin from the day before, and I proceed to leave his office after I notice him mutter "oops." But, he says, "Pat, sit down. We're not through." Okay ... He then goes on to tell me that he'd like to talk to me about my site. He says that some teachers have complained that I keep the ingredients for the hybrids hidden in the password-protected page. He gives me the whole "you and I both know what that means" spiel, and I respond that that is stupid. He tells me to watch it. Whatever. Anyway, he makes me show him the Members Only page, even though HE'S NOT A FREAKING MEMBER. I show him, he sees that he and the teachers that turned me in are totally wrong, and he tells me he'll clear things up with the appropriate teachers. Although I haven't been able to pinpoint the teachers yet who turned me in (Mr. Weadon wouldn't tell me), we do know that the suspects are extremely stupid. Wait, but Pat, if the teachers noticed you have a password-protected page on the site, they must visit the site on occasion and might see this news clip! Well, I don't really care, because they are morons. What kind of idiot turns someone in for hiding the "recipes" in the Members Only section when I have a freaking Hybrids button on the menu! And, plus, even if there were alcoholic hybrids on the Members Only section, that would be my business because this is not a school-funded site. Just because the site can be viewed from computers on the school campus doesn't make it any different from a house on the street. It's my property. And making me show the Members Only page to Mr. Weadon by turning me on suspicions that were totally unmerited is like asking me to let you in my house because you suspect there's alcohol in my room. That is not your right, and I have lost a lot of respect for St. Mark's today after having my privacy invaded. So, this is to you low-class teachers that turned me on false accusations about my own property: don't mess with NHRT.
Even the experts encounter disappointment every once in awhile. This theory proved to be painstakingly true today. Attempting to celebrate the (unofficial) first birthday of Rainy Day, still one of the greatest hybrids ever made, hybrideers on the St. Mark's varsity baseball team came prepared to hybridize as the SM team faced Fort Worth Nolan in a doubleheader. Hybridization took place. It failed. One part Fierce Lime with one part Fruit Punch proved to be too sweet to savor, one part Orange with one part Fierce Lime turned out ... I never thought I'd say it but, worse than Powerade! And what about one part each of Fierce Lime, Kiwi-Strawberry, Fruit Punch and Orange? Well, let's just say that even though St. Mark's won one of the two games against FW Nolan, who was ranked number two in the metroplex, the day can be considered a complete failure.
Unbelievably, NHRT has expanded its horizons once again. Our new official title is NHRT International, Inc. Why the sudden change? Well, we have begun receiving e-mails - but not just American e-mails - Canadian e-mails too! I guess even the Canucks can appreciate the superiority of Gatorade! Keep the mail coming.
Sorry for the lack of updates recently, but I was busy visiting the most prestigious colleges and universities in the world over spring break to get a clearer picture of where I want continue my hybrid education after St. Mark's. Although I have not reached a decision yet, Northwestern is the favorite for now due to the plethora of Gatorade vending machines I discovered on campus. Easy access at anytime, anywhere. But read on - President Ben Mercer has a few words:
We have exclusive news on a pending mix: LOW TIDE. Though it is not safe to disclose all of the details at this time, we can tell you that many of the proudest and most diligent folks in the inner circles of NHRT are working day and night to find the right flavor balance. If completed, LOW TIDE will not only become a staple hybrid, but it will revolutionize the entire hybridization process. Guaranteed."
In a stroke of pure genius, head coach of the St. Mark's varsity baseball team Tom Adams benched Robbie so that he could pursue his true passion of hybridization of Gatorade flavors. Pat was already on the bench, overseeing the "scrub club." Realize now that this means Pat and Robbie had an opportunity to hybridize together. Uh-oh. A whole new dimension of the potential of hybrids was uncovered. MEDICINE. Can you believe it? By next year we hope to have a cure for AIDS. Check the hybrids section to see a new hybrid that will manhandle any sore throat like the U.S. manhandled those Viet Congs in the Vietnam war. Well, better than that actually.
Viet Cong guy getting schooled by U.S. troops:
Freddie Chang has expressed interest in joining G.H.E.T.T.O. Club, possibly to replace Ronnie as a technical advisor ... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, Boom-Boom, just go drive in your M3 or something. Oh wait, I guess you can't do that either.
Orange Hemorrhage was created today despite an attendance of only four members at the meeting. The word on the streets is that there was confusion over the meeting's time and place - but hey, that happens when you are as underground as NHRT is. We will try to find a remedy for this problem as soon as possible so that it does not not hinder any more meetings in the future. Here's something to remember for those late-night games of NHRT trivia: Orange Hemorrhage was initially titled Fluffy Little Squirrel Orange, but, here at G.H.E.T.T.O. Club, we take ourselves way too seriously to stick with a name like that. Anyway, it's a great drink - I suggest you go mix one now.
Vice President of Important Events and Other Such Things Robbie Baty has revealed that he is under the weather, thus posing a threat to our monopoly on the Gatorade hybridization process. But we WILL perservere. Tomorrow's meeting will occur with or without Robbie's presence, and we will mix our brains dry. Additionally, if Robbie does not make the meeting, there will be no "break-out chant" like there was at the first meeting since our team will be incomplete. Wait, actually we're never going to have a "break-out chant" with or without Robbie ever again because it was such an inexplicably stupid thing to do.
Update! In the recruitment of two hot prospects to G.H.E.T.T.O. Club, the results have been bittersweet. Collen Meyer tested negative on his drug test and as a result we have not been able to admit him. Usually you want to test negative on drug tests, but, if you want to join NHRT, you want to flunk this one like a mofo. The test scans for Gatorade in your body. Collen's test results were very disheartening. On a more positive note, however, Adam Wright made a major splash today when he not only became a member of G.H.E.T.T.O. Club but he also contributed to the creation of a new hybrid. Talk about a legendary debut! We have high expectations for you, Adam. Check the "Hybrids" section for more details.
Faculty Sponsor Steve "Hollywood" Walker put his official stamp of approval on the website today. This was a landmark event for us. As a result of "Hollywood" christening the site, we are now open for business. Wait - we don't sell anything ... Okay, so we're not a business, but we are the G.H.E.T.T.O. Club biatch!
We have some terrible news for you. Technical Advisor Ronnie Keiser has been expelled from NHRT for undisclosed reasons. We here at NHRT share your grief. Wait, no we don't - that's why we kicked him out.
PRESIDENT BEN MERCER would like to say a few words (not about Ronnie - screw him!):
My name is Ben. Is it wrong that I lack a favorite Gatorade flavor? I ask you, is it? Fierce or Frost, Sweet or Tangy, they all speak the language of great beverage to my oft-thirsty self. I have come to think, myself, that it is not wrong to possess the opinion that one single sip of any shape, size, color, or flavor of Gatorade is no better than the next. Therefore, if you are a true "'rade" lover, you will have undoubtedly discovered mixing by now (that's why you're here!). Mixing is essential. It must be done. Go henceforth and experiment. Try it.
Yesterday's meeting was a huge success. In attendance: Pat, Ben, Chase, Taylor, Ben H. and Robbie. A vat of Glacier Freeze was shared for the official inaugural tasting. Additionally, two people have been singled out as highly sought-after recruits for NHRT: Collen Meyer and Adam Wright. We'll keep you posted.
This just in! Robbie Baty took a piss in the parking lot today after baseball photos were taken. He must have been drinking a lot of Gatorade recently. Way to go, Robie! That's right - Robie.
We would like to hereby announce that club member Brandon Schubert was the only sophomore cut from junior varsity baseball. This can only mean one thing. We all know that Brandon spent all his time during tryouts making hybrids and this infuriated his small-minded coach. Renegades are alive and well in NHRT, and Brandon is a living example.
The official member list as of 02/22/01 is:
Pat Love - Chairman
Ben Mercer - President
Steve "Hollywood" Walker - Faculty Sponsor
Robbie Baty - Vice President of Important Events and Other Such Things
Ronnie Keiser - Technical Advisor [EXPELLED FROM NHRT! See News for 03/01/01 ... ]
Dale Earnhardt died. We feel sorry for his family because, he, like us, drank a lot of Gatorade. Or at least I hope he did if we're dedicating space on the page to him.